October 2, 2000

CD: Did you catch it last night? I think it's time for Rev Camden to cull the herd. Those kids of his are trouble.

BM: Dammit, no I didn't! Break it down, mojumbo. Have you seen Jessica B. around town yet? Let me reiterate that I would break my "no dating women under age 22" rule for her.

CD: I need to go to college and take a class in stalking college students. I missed Sarah Michelle Gellar when she was shooting at Harvard. I haven't seen Natalie Portman yet, and I haven't been to Medford to set up my duck blind and go a Biel huntin'. Anyway, it's the wrong side of town for me. If any of these WB teen celebrities would like to attend some classes at Bunker Hill Community College, that would be a quick T ride for me and there are plenty of lines of sight from the 99 parking lot and the overpass.

Seventh Heaven started up again last night and I thought Rev. Camden was going to blow a gasket. Forget the heart attack that hit him last year - this time I think he's ready for a stroke. We start off with Annie Camden declaring that she'd like to take one measly college course to see if she'd like to go back to school to be a teacher. Okay, if she takes one course per semester, that will get her a teaching degree in about thirty years. Even so, Rev. Camden tries to slap her down right quick. There are kids to feed and chores to be done and no wife of the Rev's is going to see the other side of the front door until everything's done to his satisfaction. However, Annie, sly dog that she is, doesn't even tell the Rev. about her course until the night before, so she catches him off guard and bolts for school, leaving him to care for the squalling Camden infants - all seven of them.

The Camden teen-agers look to be a handful again. Whereas last year they were hyperactive and irresponsible, this year they're way off the deep end. Their reckless and crazy behavior is pushing this turkey even deeper into fantasy land.

Let's start with Matt. It turns out that at the cliffhanger ending last year, he really did propose to Heather and get her to elope with him. (Heather is the cute deaf brunette who Matt has had the on-again, off-again relationship with.) This is what you get when you tell your kids that premarital sex is bad: if he could pop her freely, they'd have more time to weigh their relationship. Instead, he rushes her to church, his roommate tagging along as best man. (When did they have time to get the tuxes?)

But - as Matt tells his dad (who seems strangely calm as Matt recounts this whole bizarre story) - Heather backed out at the last minute. They're at the altar, and when the minister turns to Heather and says, "Do you take Matt, blah blah blah?", she just stares at him. Matt faces her and calmly repeats it. She still just stands there. "Are you fucking deaf?" Matt shouts. She just turns and runs, ditching him at the altar.

They date for the rest of the summer, but this episode they finally confront their feelings and break up. "I'm going to leave the show and try to get in some cheerleading movie, like Eliza Dushku," Heather explains to Matt. "I don't have time to watch you self-destruct. And could you please take down that Grateful Dead wall hanging in your apartment? It makes me sick."

Little Simon's new apperance was a shocker. He's looking older and his voice sounds deeper. He shaved off the peach fuzz and got a kicky new do that makes him look like a mid-'80s pop star. Simon deserves to be beat up by some much bigger kids. It turns out that he's starting high school, and since the only two friends he ever had have left the show, he's starting high school alone. This causes much angst until he falls in with some football players and agrees to help them TP a local cheerleader's house. Rev. Camden catches him on his way out the door, backpack full of Charmin, and - strangely - lets him go out and make a mess. This whole sequence is bizarre. Isn't this the same kind of mayhem and destruction of property that got Mary suspended and arrested last year? Simon gets caught by a cop, but he doesn't get in any trouble. The cop turns out to be that black cop who's a friend of the Camdens. "If I were a white cop and you were a little black kid, do you know how this would be turning out?" the cop warns little Simon. Then he lets him go, with a stern warning to go pick up the mess the next day. Bizarre.

Lucy spent the summer dating every guy in sight to get back at Andrew, the boyfriend from last year. Andrew's dad shipped him to France to get him away from Lucy, the "crazy minister's daughter." Lucy somehow blames Andrew for this, hence the dating. What does it mean to date every guy in sight when you don't put out? Does she see a lot of movies? Drink a lot of milkshakes? I think one has to read between the lines and figure that Lucy's doing something more than a chaste kiss goodnight. Were those rubber globes I saw in her pocket book?

There's a great scene where she's headed out for her first day back at school, wearing a tight black tube top that would look mildly frumpy on any other show but that's totally scandalous in the Camden household. The Rev catches her and puts a jacket over her. Then he staples the jacket shut. So nice.

In any case, Andrew gets back from France but, surprise, found a girl of his own over the summer, and, get this - had sex with her and got her pregnant! The horror! He's going back to France a few days later to be with her, so she can have the kid. They'll live in a village and make cheese. There's another supporting actor down the tubes.

In fact, it looks like they got rid of most of their secondary characters. Matt's roommate/conscience is the only one left. He's a good time, though. He's the only one on the show with the courage to smack around a Camden.

Last but not least: Mary. Beautiful Jessica Biel. I remember something about, way back before her "controversial" senior year, she was pretty smart and together and had some hope for the future. This season she's not going to college, so she's spent her summer working. Except now that she's "Fucked Up Irresponsible Mary," instead of "Mature Big Sister with Tig Old Bitties Mary," she can't hold a job for more than a week, doesn't know how to manage her money, hasn't figured out how paychecks work, and basically fucks around. Her parents remind her again and again that she can't make much of a life on minimum wage. (Their stern contempt for a life without a B. A. makes me wonder what the demographic for this show is - if I'd only done high school, I'd be throwing beer bottles at the Rev and the Mrs. during these rants.) She tells them she doesn't want to go to college until she knows what she wants to study. Or maybe she'll end up doing what a lot of California girls with her body and income would do - ditching waitressing for a topless bar. I mean, come on.

So how does dad handle all this? He gets ticked at mom for picking "such a bad time" to make a life for herself. He's ticked at Mary for skipping college. He's ticked at Lucy for trying to dress like a slut when she goes to school. Except - he's nice to Matt when Matt tells him he almost got married. He lets Simon go out and TP a house. He doesn't give the twins crap for not looking alike. I think I see a pattern here. Women: bad, out of control. Men: dumb, but easily patronized. The Rev has a few issues to get through his system.

Oh yeah, I forgot Ruthie - the mocha colored love child - still a punkass. Her skin's about as dark as last year.

There were several times in last night's episode where I expected someone to pick up a big piece of wood and whack the shit out of someone else. There are a few too many people having growing pains in that house, and there are plenty of cutting remarks going around. Yet whenever I think things will get nasty, they suddenly calm down again. I want to see this mess come to a head! I want to see Rev. Camden drag Mary by the hair into the college registration office and sign up for some marketing classes! At least somebody should smack Ruthie silly. She can take it.