October 9, 2000

BM: I must start by announcing that I missed the first 15 minutes of tonight's episode. I was off eating swine at my mom's house. It was good. I don't think I missed a friggin' thing except maybe another shot of Lucy Camden's new, vaguely satisfying cleavage. Within say, seven minutes (including the ads) I caught up and had figured out this night's plotlines. And I must say that I was not challenged during the excruciating period while I was figuring them out...

"Will Annie Camden resort to fellating her 'Remedial Algebra 100' T.A. in order to get the answers to last week's assignment?"

"Will Matt fail the midterm and blame his smarmy, black, all-knowing roommate in a nod to 'Real World" - style scripted racism?"

"Will Mary tell her parents that she is turning tricks to pay for her speedy new Geo and STILL doesn't want to go to college?"

"Will Lucy explain how she suddenly became a little vixen whose face doesn't remind me of a Moon Pie every time I see it onscreen? And when did she become so secure in herself that she thinks she can run for Homecoming Queen?"

"Will Simon grow a mullet? Will he tag the freshman girl who is using him for Lucy's association? Will a plane suddenly descend from the sky and land on the strip that is running down the middle of his head, part of his featured new feathered 'do?"

"Will Ruthie be deemed 'special' and go to the prestigious Hampden Arms Stamford Sisterhood of Blessed Flatulence School? Will the secret of her background come out when Colonel Grandpa gets chatty after he hits the secret stash of the Reverend's special communion brandy?"

"Will Peter Graves EVER die, or make a wise career decision?"

All of the above plotlines are half-true and indicative of the cliffhangers of last night's episode. The other half of the statements reflect what we all wish had happened.

Annie is still going to school and has won the begrudging admiration of the Colonel, who is in town for some reason. No wife, no adopted punk kid, nothing, just him visiting. It seems he was there to bitch out Mary for ruining her life. "Let's take a ride in your fancy new ride!" says the colonel. "Ok, but you drive, since I can't see anything with my head under the steering wheel," says Mary. Anyway, Mary is in a bad way (see below) and is overjoyed when the colonel offers "help." Not surprisingly, she is superpissed when that help turns out to be some string pulling to get her a job in a sporting goods store, not a phat check to help her with a payment on a car or insurance. What a bitch, but I can understand - at age 18, the term "help" now applies to cash money, not assistance in another sense. I'm still looking at it that way at age 27 - "help" no longer applies to assistance in wiping my bum or tying my shoes.

The Colonel also shows off his newfound wealth - while not helping out his flesh and blood in the form of Mary, he does cough up a check for his favorite mocha colored grandchild's tuition (see below.) So, there is really one term to describe the Colonel's presence of tonight's episode - "Filler."

Matt has amazingly become this whiny slob who won't take responsibility for his own failure. He goes, fails his "pretest" and gripes to his no-nonsense, Hitler-esque professor about his problems with Deaf Heather leaving him and how that has caused his stumbles in Pre-med. The professor will listen to none of it and leaves our pretty-boy flailing. Because he struck out there, Matt resorts to bitching to the Black Voice of Reason Roommate(who does not resemble Courtney B. Vance OR Andre Braugher, but he's heading that way) and is soundly bitch-smacked right back. Apparently, Matt's own failures in life aren't his own fault, they are everyone else's. He needs to take the initiative. So, without further ado, off to the library he goes, walks up to his Chem professor, who just happens to be there, is flatly insulted (" What's the matter, Mr. Camden? More trouble in your love life?") and begs for help, admitting that he was too much of a pussy to be stand-up about his shortcomings in determining what was the H in H2O. What a dumbass. Now, instead of cleaning the apartment and vacuuming in a speed-induced frenzy (which he did to avoid doing his homework) Matt is spending all night in the library. He's back on track but I still hope he fails that damned midterm - I just have this nightmare vision of him being my wife's dream gynecologist.

Mary is just a little bitch. She's still easy on the eyes, but she's completely obnoxious now, as opposed to just being vapid and basketball driven. I missed the purchase, but apparently she bought a hot new car and is stuck with some gigantic payments, as well as insurance, price tags for Air Freshener, shiny metal license plate holders, and room and board. Those cagey Camden 'rents sure know how to stick it to their kids who are non-achievers. Of course, if Mary was playing basketball in the community college, the Camdens would suck up the lease payments at the drop of a hat, but noooo, their daughter is taking the floozy route. She's got "big plans." I have Big Plans for Jessica Biel, but unlike Mary Camden, I know when I'm licked. Mary doesn't, and she is called into the office by her manager, who fires her due to downsizing. Oooooh, Mary is getting a taste of the dot-com business world. Now she's screwed, and is envisioning handing out coupons for car washes while dressed up in a chicken suit. She's (not surprisingly) afraid to tell her parents that she has no job and is set up for a "we told you so speech" so she confides in the Colonel and tries to squeeze a little green out of his military pension. The Colonel, who no doubt has "picked off a few Charlie back in that there conflict we called 'Nam" isn't listening to her shit. So pissy Mary storms off and starts to consider a life in Cinemax late night soft porn, or at least posing for Gear magazine. The show ends with her bitching out her insurance company, who has heard this sob story before. They yank her insurance, and Mary tells them that she is going to drive without it. Do you see a set up a mile away like I do? Someone is going to get killed in a "Very Special Episode." And then continue her college career at Tufts. Aaron Spelling must still be pissed over her shit-slinging affair in Gear.

I don't know what the hell happened, but all of a sudden Lucy is showing some decent cleavage and has lost the bad hairdo. She's completely watchable, and since Jessica Biel is (theoretically) getting set up for a Spelling-style kill-off, I'm just fine with that. Anyway, her part was minor tonight. She was running for Homecoming Queen and feels it's a major stretch. So to take her mind off of her own shortcomings, she helps Simon "fit in" by getting him to help with her campaign. What a smarty. Nice top, too. No wonder the Rev is taking his focus off of Mary - Lucy is the real hellion.

Simon has a butt-part and a deeper voice (I missed it last week). He needs to make some new friends. Lucy is helping him out (see above) so he's meeting all sorts of freshman nookie. Inexplicably, they seem to think Lucy is the hot shit of the school, so it's the standard "popularity by relation" plotline. Lucy actually sacrifices her own meager popularity by agreeing to show at the freshman bash. What the hell? This plotline was made popular by the Brady Bunch, so frankly there is no need to get into it. Simon and Lucy were both useless this week.

Ruthie - she's still of questionable descent. But she is a Christian, so she prays to God to make stuff happen. It didn't work for me last time I was in Atlantic City, but it sure has hell worked for her. She got out of the class she hated and is expecting to be moved to another. But after the Rev meets the flouncy, young, swinging- closet- door principal to iron out the permissions, he is told that Ruthie is eligible for this private school that would cater to bright students like her. Yes, of course- this "catering to bright students" simply means that they get to finger-paint their pie charts in math class and call their teachers by their first names, not to mention they have the option of soy milk in the cafeteria in addition to white, chocolate and skim. Ruthie wants no part of this school, because she won't have her best friend there. But the Colonel pulls another bomb out and talks her into checking out the school with her parents. And in true Camden luck (like the leather-interior minivan, the giant house, and the hot older daughters) Ruthie is eligible for a full scholarship to this private school. I think it has to do more with quotas, but I'm just being bitter because I had to pay tuition.

I didn't exactly catch the previews for next week, but I know I will be bitter. If I'm not mistaken, Mary bought herself one of those sweetie-pie Honda Convertibles. I don't know where I'm going with this, but this show needs a little scandal. I actually miss that fine Irish hussy Matt used to not fool around with. And Deaf Heather is gone for who knows how long. Dirty Robbie is out of the picture, and that moonface kid Lucy was chasing has youngun's now. What are we to do? Excitement, Aaron, excitement, please!