October 23, 2000

BM: Things are getting steamy in the Camden House. The only ones in the household who didn't look at some form of sexual intercourse in the face were the twins and Matt. Read this sentence again. It's absolutely true. Tonight, the Camdens are trying to orchestrate Family Movie Night. "Awww, Mom, we don't want to watch 'The Shaggy Dog' again!", all the kids cry. Noone's taking the bait. Even the twins are displeasured and not interested, as evidenced by the numerous diaper-changings in tonight's episode.

The night starts with Simon telling Mrs. C that he has a hot date with a girl from school. "Ah yes, Mary Lou Jones! I like her! She's nice...and smart too! She won the spelling bee a couple of years ago," says Mrs C. Right about this time, Simon is wondering if his date can spell f-e-l-l-a-t-i-o, but he tells his Mom that Matt is going to take them out, and then later he and Matt might go "pick up chicks." Mom throws a shit-fit. "I don't like that. I don't like that at all!" she says. Simon gets lectured on the dangers of objectifying women, teen sex, and drug use, not to mention Joe Lieberman. Mrs. C yaps on for a couple of minutes, calms down, and reminds Simon of the difference between a privilege and a right. "A privilege can be taken away," groans Simon, who just wants to get into his brother's bitchin' Camaro and score some educated nookie. Off they go, and both Simon's and my jaw hit the ground when his date opens the door. She is a dead ringer for current Teen-Queen attendant Mandy Moore. Where the hell were these girls when I was a freshman? I'm disgusted in myself and the way that fashion has changed in the 13 years since I was in 9th grade. "Hi Mary Lou! Are you ready to go out for the movie?" Simon says. "Movie....M-O-V-I-E...Movie" spells his now apparently retarded date. At that point, Simon and I both knew this was going to be a long night.

And long it was - Simon's date inexplicably knows the entire Med School curriculum for whatever local college Matt is attending. She's in the front seat, alternately questioning Matt and spelling out things. It's obvious that she's into whatever games 21-year-old guys play. I couldn't determine if Matt wanted to commit statutory rape or throw this "nut in a pretty wrapper" out of his Camaro onto the sidewalk, but it's obvious that Simon is pissed. "Come on, we've already missed the first show because you two were talking - we'll be late! L-A-T-E! Late!" The two head on into the movies with Mary Lou eyeballing Matt the whole time.

After the movie, the couple comes walking out to the sidewalk. "That movie blew...B-L-E-W...blew," the date says. Matt is waiting for them outside, and Simon tells him that they are going to get a pie and will be out in a while. The date is having none of this and orders Matt to come with them, because he was so nice to drive them. Yes, of course...the date just wants to grab his thigh and play Lolita.

Simon is just disgusted at this point, and I can sympathize. It sucks when your date is a spelling-fixated loser, intent on balling your own brother. Believe me, I know this one, as my own brother was one of those pretty-boys who got all the chicks in high school. But it's even worse when your date is hot. Anyway, Simon gets her up to the door (must be 8:15 at this point) and she says "Aren't you forgetting something?" and starts kissing him passionately on the front step. The whole time, she has her eyes open and is gawking at Matt, who is disgustedly looking on. The boys take off, and apparently not scared by their mom's stern warnings, go out to Pick Up Chicks. While they are there, Picking Up Chicks (sitting at an outdoor table, doing nothing, is more like it) Simon gets hit on by some cutie-pie looking for the arcade. Simon gets the digits, and when he and Matt show up at home later, he's showing them off to all in his path, while Matt is proudly looking on. "My little bro's getting laid!" he says to the twins, who respond by tossing their rattles out of their cage...I mean crib. The Rev sees Simon preening and prancing around, grabs the slip of paper, and eats it. "You're not too old to be intimidated by your mother." he says. My heart went out to Simon at the point.

While the guys were out, Picking up Chicks, Mary Lou the Spelling Date called and wanted to get Matt's number. How shameless...she was throwing herself on Forbidden Fruit with her own minister right on the other end of the phone. Sheesh. What a player.

Mary doesn't seem to have any friends lately except Frankie and Johnny, the two youngsters who run the pizza joint where she worked. It's quite interesting how the two of them have a strong resemblance to Mary and Robbie (her toolshed guy from last year). They have a little baby daughter named Misery....wait Mercy, I'm sorry. Misery is what these two are enduring...Johnny gives Mary a welcome hug that is just going on waaaaay too long, and Frankie just hates her life. Mary comes over to their house to discuss going back to college together with Frankie, using the brochures that Lucy has sitting all over the house. Funny, I thought usually girls go shopping together, it's really not that easy to just up and go to college...especially when you have no money and a kid too. The gang has steaks for dinner, Johnny does nothing, and leaves in a huff when Frankie asks him to contribute for a damned change. Frankie cries, telling Mary how she hates her life, and then lights up a fat joint. Mary's in that "Dad said it was bad to do drugs" dilemma, but the remembrance of being on probation from last year keeps her head clear, and she refrains. At this point, Frankie is too stoned to think about Vassar, so Mary takes off and comes home.

Later that night, the Rev gets a call. There was a domestic spat in the trailer park where Frankie and Johnny live, and the cops who broke it up busted them for possession. Frankie called the Rev to bail her out, and he lays it out for Mary. In his favor, though, he gets them out bail free and tells them to get counseling, or he'll tell her parents. The Rev also gets superpissed and tells Mary to stay the hell away from such trash. I don't understand what the hell her problem is lately. I do recall Jessica Biel saying in the infamous Gear interview, "If I saw Mary Camden on the street I'd kick her fucking ass." I understand her totally after tonight's episode.

Lucy was a bit bland. Besides the cleavage thing, I've noticed that she wears really bad, unflattering pants. It's along the lines of the DaShakis that Peter Brady used to wear. Anyway, Lucy is hell-bent on early acceptance to any college, and the Rev is overjoyed. "Finally, a daughter who DOESN'T suck," the Rev muses out loud. Lucy bails on Family Movie night too, in favor of some guy who is coming over to help her with college applications. "What??!!" You aren't making out with him?" No lie, those parents just have resigned themselves to the fact that their third-oldest is a ho in training. Anyhoo, Lucy and this strange, strange guy don't actually look over brochures. He tries to scare up a contractual relationship, with signatures, correct kissing opportunities, the whole 9. Lucy is denied her shpopping, the parents love the guy, and Ruthie is spying on them the whole time (see below) Mary comes home and sees the guy leaving, and it turns out that he was in her class the previous year and missed a year because he tried to kill himself. It was actually kind of sad, and I couldn't be ticked off at him anymore after that. He came back to the house later and told Lucy about it, and it was pretty cool. Maybe she'll stop being "fickle" , as her father called her.

The parents actually had their own storyline this week. And it was spectacular...they watched The Graduate, and then took a break to go "check on the twins." While they were upstairs, "checking on the twins," they checked out each other's anatomy and got it on. Yes, sex in the Camden house that didn't result in a kid next season! Can you believe it? In any case, the hilarity of this situation became apparent when it was found out that Ruthie observed them bumpin' uglies and wrote about it in her diary. She was going to turn in the diary for a school project, but Lucy luckily intercepted at the last minute. "Sex is what mommies and daddies do when they want to get it on," says Mrs. C to Ruthie. The best part, however, was when Simon and Matt got clued in to the fact that their parents got caught shtupping. "Oh, you used the old 'checking on the baby' excuse? How last season!" It seems that all of the kids have caught their parents in the act. Dear God. Let's hope that there isn't another friggin' kid next season.

CD: I was disturbed on several occasions by last night's episode. Here were my highlights:

- Again with the college thing. Mary's pal Frankie stands in the middle of her trailer, a bandana covering the once-beautiful hair that she never has time to wash, a shit-caked infant in one hand and an iron in the other, while her useless husband screams out "You made me marry you!" and watches cartoons. As soon as this image is good and burned in, Frankie sighs, reaches for the Emmy and emotes, "I wish I had finished college."

- Mary is sitting in a cloud of marijuana smoke for half the night, but when she gets home Lucy says, "You smell like you've been smoking!" Nobody who lives in L. A. and writes for Aaron Spelling shows can think cigarettes and pots smell alike.

- But the number one problem I had with last night's show was the Rev's shit-fit about Mary's friends. Two seasons ago, Mary would have seen the joint come out and in five seconds she would have been home snitching to dad. Dad would have "intervened," sat Frankie and Johnny down with a copy of Reefer Madness, and helped them turn their lives around. This is what I watch this show for: I want to see Dad come in and help the needy, preferably in the most meddling and cloying way possible. But instead of doing the good Christian thing, he bitches out Mary and begrudgingly heads to the police station. Does he post bail in return for Frankie and Johnny being forced to come to church every week for the rest of their lives? Does he make some phone calls and get Frankie into beautician school or "Intro to Windows 95" or something? No dice. He just wants to get mad at his daughter.