November 6, 2000

BM: Didja see it? Mary C's days are SO numbered.

CD: It was out of control. And then the trailer for next week gave the whole thing away - that next week is Mary's last episode, that they're shipping her off on a plane to somewhere ... the only question is, where are they sending her? Here are my guesses:

- A kibbutz.
- College (so there's a happy ending).
- Americorps.
- Straight to hell, without even stopping to die.

BM: Tonight's lesson -

1) The family that stays together bails out a sibling together.

2) Parents who are just so in love, Christian, and don't think about he benefits of birth control, apparent are able to talk in unison, from across town, and on 70's style split-screen together as well - a la the Breck ads from the late 70's - (remember "So she'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends, and so on...and so on...and so on...) - I think that Primerica Financial Services uses that ad as an example for their Pyramid style of selling.

This episode has only one focus and storyline, for a change. And that focus is constructing a plausible out for Mary Camden. Actually, for Jessica Biel...I know what REALLY happened to make Grampa Aaron Spelling go ballistic on her...he got pissed over the whole Gear Magazine thing and called her an "ungrateful, foppish little teen with pleasing hooters", and she in turn called his daughter Tori a - and I quote- "talentless, bug-eyed, coaster-tittied, overbearing media hag dildo who couldn't act her way out of a paper bag." This isn't news to Aaron, but it gave him carte blanche to fire her ass. So here we are tonight with what seems to be the next-to-last episode with Mary in it.

Mary's in trouble. So what else is new? Well, it's new because now her retardedly trusting parents are finally hip to the fact that she's a great looking, undermotivated fuckup. She's lost at least two jobs, but has told her 'rents that she "quit." Yes, she has aspirations to work at Hooter's or Denny's. She has a car, but hasn't been paying the payments. She has a credit card, but can't even cough up the fifty bucks to make the minimum payment. I can quickly think of a way for Mary to make fifty bucks, but I will spare you the obvious details, Sunny D. You've known me too long. And, she doesn't have insurance on that car. Let us not forget that she was FORBIDDEN (ooooooh!) by the Rev to hang out with Frankie and Johnny. Yet, she's been doing that too! Geez, all she needs now is a heroin addiction, paid for by her job as a community college-themed-hooker.

The night starts with Lucy getting a not-too-surprising call from the smarmy woman at the collection agency. This bizzatch thinks that Lucy is Mary, and just lays into her, calling her a "deadbeat," a "crack-whore," and a "Rosie O'Donnell." Lucy has had just about enough of this financial enforcer's bullshit and hangs up on the woman. The camera pans back to the woman, who apparently hasn't grasped the concept of redial, busily looking at her list of delinquents and calling back the Camden household. Simon enters the room with the phone, and says "It's for you." "For me, or for Mary?" asks the savvy Lucy, who is trying so admirably hard to adhere to her dad's "No Cussing At The Collectors" rule. "Lucy, Mary, what's the difference?" says Simon.

Well, Simon, the difference is one of those chicks has a role on the show after next week.... anyway, Lucy is stuck on the phone again with the woman. We slowly become familiar with the depth of Mary's credit woes, and for assistance, all of the kids turn to none other than...Matt. At this point, Mary his hit up all of the kids for a floater, and Ruthie (who I guess is doing it out of love for her sis, versus getting two points over the vig in return) coughs up twenty bucks. Mary grabs the booty (not her own nor the wealthy Mocha-Kid's- I'm talking about the money) and takes off - not to pay her bill, but to go to a double feature at that lameass movie theater, the one that is situated right next to that lameass pool hall. Hasn't Brenda the Writer ever heard of Filming On Location? This set just sucks. "Saved By The Bell" featured a better layout when it came to being outside the house. It's evident that Mary just doesn't give a shit.

While Mary is out watching Marx Brothers movies- ooh, how highbrow! - Matt is deflecting calls from the Collection Agency Woman. He gets the phone handed to him... takes a deep breath...prepares to act as the voice of reason...and instead breaks into a thespian's nightmare! "Bernie The Attorney" scares off that mean woman by informing her that "my client will give you a dollar a month until the balance is paid." That's one hell of an offer, but not what the woman is looking for. Matt blows her off a couple more times, and decides that it's time for drastic measures. I'll get to that in a moment, but it's high time this writer fills you in on the shit being slung at the Camden Parents and family - and that shit is named "Mary's Shortcomings."

First, Matt's All Knowing Roommate lets him in on a secret - Mary's asked him for money. Of course, he said no- his dad being a minister and all- and Roomie-Boy also takes the opportunity to tell Matt that he's seen Mary hanging around on campus with those punks Frankie and Johnny. Matt is irritated more than overly concerned. "Mary can screw up her own life...I've got a new helmet-like hairdo to deal with!" It seems that Matt gets a bit more worried later when he is called in as the "Person Who Would Know What to Do With Mary's Troubles" by his siblings.

Next, that Stocky Black Cop With the Supporting Role is approached after his Hill Street Blues-style pep talk at the precinct by the same cop who pulled over Mary a few episodes before...you know, the actor who played Greg Brady. Officer Greg tells his boss that he suspects Mary was DUI when he pulled her over the other day. Naturally, the Supercop is busting a nut, beating it across town to tell his buddy the Rev about it asap. And tell him he does. The Rev slides into the tonight's first of many Concerned Christian Father Faces. You know Mary is gonna get her ass whooped, God-style! But wait, there's more!

Mrs. Camden is shopping for discount vegetables at the local supermarket (ever notice now much food they have laying around their kitchen?). She is approached by none other than Mary's Insurance Salesman, who informs Mrs. C that Mary has been tooling around town without insurance. He offers this info as thanks to the Rev for helping him out when his mom died, or something like that. I'm not certain how breaking the client confidentiality privilege can be construed as Christian Reciprocity, but what do I know? I haven't been to church in forever. So now, Mary is going to get her ass whooped by another parent. At this point, Mrs. C gets on the blower, trying to track down the Rev to spill the beans. The Rev is trying to track HER down at the same time to spill his beans. And they just can't seem to connect! So, they each end up speaking to the brood at home, who have their own secret to keep in Mary's financial dilemma.

Mrs. C then sensibly heads over to the pool hall to track down her guy- yeah, he'll be there doing shots and playing 9-ball in the afternoon, don't you think? In the first of many handouts in this episode, Mrs. C is treated to a free soda while the barkeep lets her in on another secret. Mary didn't quit, she was fired. She wasn't "let go," she was shitcanned. Apparently she just sucked as a waitress and was on the phone all of the time with her creditors. Now, Mrs. C has more ammo to use in her ass-whoopin'.

In another example of Handouts for the Big Christian Family with a Punkass Daughter, the Rev has been sitting in the pizza joint where Mary worked (of course, she "quit" there too) while the cop was telling him about Mary's suspected DUI. When the Rev gets up to pay the tab, the stereotypical Big Italian Owner / chef tells him it's on the house, and sits him down to let him in on a little secret- his nephew, that punk Johnny, is a little shit, and Mary is hanging out with him and Frankie. Plus, they've been staying late and drinking beers. What a group of shiftless layabouts! The Rev, at this point, figures out that his daughter has been lying to him. Oh, the horror. Seven kids and one of them isn't perfect.

Now, the parents just HAVE to bitch. Mrs. C goes to the hospital and gripes to Ugly Dr. Ed Begley, who for a change isn't driving around in his electric car or talking his new wife out of a boilermaker. He reveals that Mary screwed up royally during the babysitting fiasco (see previous). At the same time, the Rev is talking to his ex-lush sister. Like she's a good advisor on any subject - drunk and knocked up doesn't show experience. She reveals to him that Mary f'ed up while babysitting. Now both parents are in the know...and the screen splits. And they say the same thing at the same time. And there is music in the background. Either they are linked telepathically, unoriginal, or just plain retarded.

Meanwhile, the kids at home decide to bust into the piggy banks of their baby brothers. What infant has $500 in his piggy bank? this infant, I mean adult, sure doesn't. The kids decide to give the money to Mary short term to help her bail out. Mary bails out all right...and makes a profit along the way. She pays her credit card, and drops her monthlies but jacks up her interest. She drops her car payments, but doubles the sticker price. She pays her insurance, and gets smacked with the retard stick when she asks if she can extend her payments. "Sure you can...come back and see me when they add a 13th month!" says the smarmy insurance woman. All the while, Mary is pocketing some of the money...a 20 here, 10 there. She doesn't need all of it. On the way back from servicing her johns...I mean, paying off her finances, she stops by and picks up a new job in a bookstore from a creepy guy who no doubt is into underage girls. She gets the job, floats away, and the job is soundly yanked by the owner's wife, who obviously wears the pants and knows better than to have a hot little hussy working in her women's issue bookstore.

I totally think that the clip of Mary paying off her monthlies would be a good "Reefer Madness" style horror film to show teens about the Dangers of Credit. I could have used it.

The parents return home, are superpissed and superdepressed that their oldest daughter lied to them, and decide that it's time to declare war on Mary, who is happy that she just sold her firstborn to pay the bills, and thinks she still has a new job.

You'll detect an angry tone in my rantings this week. This episode just pissed me off, because it just seemed too obvious that Mary is getting booted. I can deal if Bev Mitchell wears some more revealing clothes and sluts it up a bit.