November 13, 2000

CD: Last night was the worst hour of television I've seen in a long time.

I would've paid good money to watch the taping of this episode. I've seen people get tossed off television shows before, but I always figured it had to be harder, more emotional on a family show. No dice. They gave Biel the ho heave last night in no uncertain terms.

You could argue that Jessica Biel is leaving the show to make time for college. But we all know she's out because she posed nude in a cheesy magazine to get her contract on the show cancelled. Her original plan was to get movie roles, but now that the teen movies are dried up, she's more likely to end up as Wolf Number Three in the Tufts production of "Into the Woods." Regardless, her obnoxious grandstanding in Gear magazine obviously brought her no love from the writers of Seventh Heaven, who gave her farewell show some of the worst writing and most tedious monologues ever to grace the series.

When the show starts, the Rev. and Annie are still trying to figure out what the hell to do with Mary. They know that she came into some money the other week to pay some of her debt, but they can't figure out where it came from: naturally they've pried into her life and asked all her employers about it, and they spend half of this episode calling everyone else they can think of to see if they gave her the dough. The Rev. and Annie are a regular Bayliss and Pembleton here, and they're going to work the case until they get to the truth.

In the meantime, the other Camden kids, who stole the money for Mary from their baby brothers' piggy banks, are fretting over how long it will take their parents to figure out what happened. Mary was supposed to get a job and pay the money bank, but instead, she's been - oddly - spending every day at the cheapo movie theater watching old movies. I still don't know where that came from. The kids panic, and Ruthie decides that to keep her mom from noticing that the banks are empty, she'll fill them with rice. She's in the middle of doing this when the parents catch her, and next thing you know, everyone - including Matt, who just happens to show up - is in the living room, waiting to confront Mary.

The scene that follows is easily the worst ever filmed on a WB show. Each member of the Camden family takes a turn explaining to Mary how they feel, in a scene that more closely resembles The Real World or Big Brother than any real-life family argument. First the parents and then the kids tool on Mary: Matt complains that she's irresponsible. Lucy, weeping and sobbing, complains that she can't look up to Mary anymore, and tells her she should get back into sports. Simon gives her a lesson in basic personal finance. (Simon's monologue was the most annoying thing I've ever seen on this show.) The only kid I could believe was Ruthie. She starts off saying, "I don't know why everyone's weepy and sobby. I'm mad at you!," and gives Mary the smackdown about what a loser she is. God bless the little mochanio punk-ass.

The Rev. and Annie send the other kids upstairs and confront Mary. On top of everything else that's happened, they found a joint in her room. It's time to ship her off before things get worse. Their plan: send her to Buffalo, NY for the winter, where she can live with the Rev.'s militant father and work in a homeless shelter. Because of course there's no way to get in trouble in Buffalo, especially with two old people watching over you. They send her off to pack her bags. Lucy tries to come up and say good-bye, but Mary blows her off. She storms out of the house without saying good-bye to anyone else, gives a half-hearted "Maybe you were right, I am in trouble" to her mom at the airport, and then sulks onto the plane. Bye-bye.

Clearly, the writers of Seventh Heaven want to spend as little time with Mary as possible this episode. They don't give her a "I have seen the error of my ways and I'm ready for a nice catharsis right about now" speech. She spends the living room scene staring off distractedly while the rest of the cast tries really, really hard to act. It took me a little to figure out that they probably filmed most of these scenes with a body double. (Is that why she doesn't look back as she gets on the plane?) In real life, nobody would sit there quietly and take so much crap from their family. I wanted Mary to stand up and fire back. "Okay, you think I'm a mess because I'm not paying my bills? Simon, you're a fucking tool. Lucy, you're a suck-up. Ruthie, shut the fuck up. But Matt, you're the worst. You stalk women. You almost got married last summer. And your own dad thinks you might be too dumb to get into med school. Why do I have to take all this crap when you get off scott free? Rev., Annie, go blow. I'm eighteen and I'm heading to L. A. to be a star!"

Lucy cries. Annie cries. Even the Rev. sobs like a baby. But this is just for the sake of trying to get an Emmy. You can feel the sense of relief on the show when Mary walks out of there. Ruthie puts it best: the kids are sitting in the kitchen, moaning about how Mary didn't even stop to say good-bye, and Ruthie goes, "Yeah, that sucks. Hey, anyone want cake?"

BM: Here are my takes on the infamous "Seventh Heaven: Intervention" episode...note, EVERY TV SHOW EVER MADE HAS AN INTERVENTION EPISODE.

1) Ruthie is the only one with some fucking sense on this episode, and that's probably because Brenda Hampton allowed her to ad-lib her lines in a rare nod to "the innate creativity of the mocha-kids." She should get the Emmy, not Brett Butler, for Christ's sake. She lays it out for her oldest sister - "Fuck you, pot-bitch! Fuck you! " then goes upstairs and has cake later.

2) Simon was obviously reading out of a textbook. For someone with such dollars and sense, why can't he buy himself a decent haircut? And what is really funny, (I heard this is on the editing room floor,) is the scene where Aaron Spelling's accountant landed his Learjet right on the strip on Simon's head, just as Simon was talking about zeroing out debts. Screw the little twins. Lifting 5 big ones from their Playskool Piggy-Banx would be the easiest money he ever made. It worked for Mary.

3) Lucy's tearful (ok, Visine-ful) speech was a load of brown stuff I'd rather not step in. I could sure smell it, though. Yes, I'm completely convinced that she aspires to be a female basketball star, just like her sis. Yes, life looks good in Community College when you have a shot at the big bucks of the WNBA. Her speech could have been MASSIVELY improved had she taken off her shirt. She's got big shoes to fill with Mary being out. So, increase the cleavage so you can keep a viewer on the hook, please.

4) Matt, you chaser-of-good-looking-handicapped-women. You and I both know that he didn't give a shit about Mary's demise. Well, actually Barry Watson probably popped the cork on the wrap-up party bottle of Cold Duck. I mean, he unscrewed the cap. His joy at now being able to hog the screen (with the Bielster now enrolled in the august halls of Tufts) was completely evident in his overacted speech of love for his little sis. Screw you and your helmet, Matt.

5) Sam and Dave - too bad they are only babies and are unaware of the heist. It would have been great if they smacked Mary around in a Very Special Episode, and then got recruited by Sal DeNunzio, the local mobster, because of their enforcing abilities.

6) The parents - I have nothing to say except you'd think Mary was dead at the end. "You know you did the right thing! It's better to have an angry live daughter than a happy dead one! I love you!" The Rev's crying and Annie's spouting off this dimestore psycho-doodoo at him. You better believe that they went home and smoked the joint they found in Mary's Secret Hope Chest. That would have taken off the edge much better than an hour of prayer - I speak from experience on this one.

7) The Real Winner of the Episode - Annie's dad, who you may recall has been diagnosed (without benefit of a competent doctor, of course) with Alzheimer's. Annie calls him and he totally, totally mindfucks her. It is CLASSIC and totally un-pc, and therefore quite refreshing.

CD: Yeah, what the hell was up with that? "Annie? Who's Annie? Oh, I'm just kidding, honey, I'm not gone yet."

So here's the question of the hour: how long will the show be worth watching without Jessica Biel's good looks and charm?

BM: Well, here's a different spin to your question, but it all heads the same way. Will Lucy be able to slide into the "unaware sex kitten" role? I think I'll still watch it, but without the promise of Jessica Biel doing something naughty and changing her wardrobe, I may lose my handle on objectivity.