November 27, 2000

BM: You know it's all over when they pull someone from the credits in the beginning of the show. Ahh, those years of looking forward to the "Jessica With The Basketball" shot during the intro are officially over. She's been cut in favor of the Matt's All Knowing Black Roommate, John.

Once again, this week was all about Product Placement (see last week's Ricky Nelson bonanza). Immediately, we are treated to one of the more fluffish displays that I have seen when Matt is busy playing Morgan Freeman to John's Jessica Tandy. "Driving Miss Roommate" happened in John's uncle's Caddy, which was actually a pretty sweet pimpmobile. John sits in the back to sing along with the new BB King / Clapton album (prominently displayed while Matt slowly takes it out of the case...very slowly), while Matt jockeys him around. If this scene doesn't scream "Retribution!" well I don't know what does.

While the two are pimpin' along, Matt comes across Simon hanging out at a corner with a bunch of little...well I want to say the "w" word we're both thinking of...I'll call them Little White Punks With Big Pants and Attitudes and Pronunciation Issues....Simon's got a big chain around his scrawny neck, a baggy shirt, and a knit hat which is no doubt a hand-me-down from Matt. It's amazing, I saw "Attic Raid" all over this outfit, but I've also seen the same outfit as a display in the window of the Pacific Sunwear at the local mall. Way to economize, Simon! At least with that hat, we can't see that haircut.

The little thugs are just standing around, listening to crap-rap on a big boom box. Matt hops out of the fresh ride and grabs Simon by the hat, grilling him as to what the hell he's doing. Simon puffs himself up and says "We just be hangin.' " Matt gawks at him for another long minute, and turns his attention to the crap spewing from the boombox. I didn't hear anything like "hoochie," "bitch," "muthafucka,' or "Reverend Al Sharpton" in the lyrics, so I'll assume that the rap was generic no- name tripe, personally auditioned by Brenda Hampton herself. Matt grills Simon as to the content of this stuff, and Simon looks over at John for support, you know, because he's "blacker" than Simon is and therefore "hipper" and "more with it." John tells Simon, "You're on your own here." Matt finally pushes Simon back to his little punkass friends and takes off to find some hoochies of his own. It turns out that the hoochie in this particular episode is, once again, Deaf Heather. She's apparently been looking for Matt around town, and Matt is convinced that Heather has come to her senses and is looking to hook. Matt's belief in this cheese is strengthened when he gets home and the Rev knocks on his door. In comes the Rev with a new pair of pants for Matt. It seems that Annie went on a shopping spree after deciding that all the kids needed new pants. Except Mary, because hers are always laying on some guy's bedroom floor in Buffalo and doesn't treat her clothes responsibly. Matt puts on his new pants and, well...Preens. I think the Olsen twins last week made me less nauseous. "You lookin' at me?" he asks his mirror. "Well, I thought you were lookin' at me, because I am one good looking dude!" w349tidfozdfg3985(*&(*#$&w

Sorry, had to wipe some puke off my monitor.

Lucy and Ruthie are at the record store, shopping, when Lucy is suddenly called a "bitch" and has her ass grabbed by one of the little punks, the lot of which have decided not to "hang" on the corner and have moved indoors. Lucy berates the grabass and calls him a pimp. Ruthie, of course, doesn't know what a pimp is, so Lucy tells her that "it's a guy who doesn't like women." Not to mention wears great, Halloween- worthy threads. Lucy is so nonplussed that she complains to the clerk about the harassment, and the stoned, angst-ridden little teen say "Well, it's not like he hurt you or anything..." Lucy asks for the manager, knowing she's not getting anywhere with this Clearasil tool, and he informs her, "I AM the manager." She moves on to the other clerk to bitch and pay, and the kid gives her a free CD and tix to that night's hot concert...She's the store's 100th customer and has won! Yay! Now she gets to go see....39 ? I don't know if they are legit or not (I didn't see their CD touted at the end of the show) but Lucy's never heard of them. Ruthie, however, has and is all into going to this Estrogen Power Fest. Lilith meets Britney in Glenwood! Woo hoo! Bring on the unwashed lesbians and teens!

When the girls go outside, Lucy notices Simon slouching with his cohorts and starts yelling at him about his appearance, his friends, etc. It turns out that Simon was invited to "hang" with Norton ... they aren't friends. Norton bears a striking resemblance to that weasel Chuck Sherman in "American Pie" ... you know, the skinny geek who claims he nailed the hottie, only to soil himself at the prom when she tells the truth. Anyhoo, Lucy is trying to get Simon to stand up for her honor, and who walks in but ... Annie Camden. She immediately doesn't like Simon's look, but wisely keeps her mouth shut. Simon uncomfortably introduces Norton to his mom and Lucy, and Norton creeps around Annie with a sly look, saying "I see the resemblance...and I like it." Another one of the punks comes up and says "Yo baby, yo!" and Annie turns to the assemblage and says "You're pathetic. Go home." To which Norton responds, "You need to respect me, lady, cause you ain't from the streets!"

In one of the classic scenes of the series, Annie beats her chest (a recurring theme tonight) and says, "You want a piece of this? I delivered seven kids. You don't know tough!" Tail between his legs, Norton slips away, Simon is grabbed by the ear, and home everyone goes.

About this time, John the Roommate (a developing character if I've ever seen one) is at the hospital working. One of the doctors comes up to him and hands him a CD, saying, "Please put this in the rotation for OR 2. I heard it and it's really good!" John takes one look at the CD and hands it right back. "If you want to listen to this, well, you'll have to put it in yourself. I'm not getting involved with this." The skinny, white doctor wonder why, and John says the he won't let people listen to that album (I'm assuming it was the aforementioned Crap-Rap album that Simon was listening to) even if they are unconscious. The doctor starts warning John about his attitude, and slips up by saying "Well you of all people should like this album..." oooh! Racism! John calls him on it, the two have a one minute heart to heart, and the doctor apologizes, shakes hands with John, offers to buy him a cup of coffee sometime, and walks off, tossing the cd in the trash on the way. Yeah, John! Convert another one! A girl with an inexplicably bad perm comes up and lets John know she likes what he did back there. Turns out she's a volunteer at the hospital, and wants to buy John that cup of coffee. He smoothly won't let her, saying he wants to buy it. The two arrange to meet during a mutual break. The whole exchange just ooozed with the promise of hot messy love. Ooooh!

Annie, Matt, AND Lucy have a heart to heart with Simon about the word "Bitch." He is of course unfazed, since it is in use everywhere, but that doesn't fly with Annie. She keeps yapping on about its negative context and how it is soooo degrading to women.

Ah, that dumb bitch...oops. I mean, go Annie!

It is decided that Simon and Matt are going to have a talk with Norton at Matt's place, and then Norton will HAVE to apologize to Annie and Lucy. Either that, or the Camdens are gonna bust in on Norton's parents, Mike n Carol Brady style.

Lucy and Ruthie are getting ready to go to the 39 concert. What is 39? 69 minus the thirty year old? How many ounces are really in St. Ides? I'm confused, but anyway, the CD has been listened to and approved by Lucy and Annie. The girls are walking out and Ruthie is wearing some terribly revealing outfit which appears to be a sock and some gift wrap ribbon. Of course, she's not allowed out of the house (Annie send her back to her room with a threatening thump on the chest), but she balks, claiming it makes her feel "sexy."

Annie sits her down and has another chat, about how it's not a perfect world and women can't walk around looking like hosebags because it's dangerous. Plus, when Ruthie says that everyone at the show would be dressed like her, Annie asks her if she wants to be herself or put on a costume to impress someone else. I was waiting for the "would you jump off the bridge too?" speech, but thankfully it didn't happen. Ruthie and Lucy end up going to get ice cream. It's amazing how nice Lucy is lately, especially since Mary dumped them all.

Now, let's not forget about the all time classic line. This is by far the best I've heard on "Seventh" in its entire run. You see, Robbie is back on the show...and he and that blond floozy he cheated on with Mary want to get married. He's not into it. She is. She's pregnant. They want the Rev to do the wedding. The Rev knows that Robbie is a slimeball but would be more than happy to keep him away from Mary.

The Rev is mulling over this blessed union when the blond shows up at his door and informs him that she's NOT pregnant; she was just using it as a marriage excuse to keep Robbie from pining for Mary. The Rev meets with Robbie, explains this (whatever happened to confidentiality?) and Robbie says, "Well I never wanted to have sex anyhow. It's just that, well, she was born with a condition and had to have sex to help it. You know, there was some trouble with the pipes." I'm not quoting directly here, but gaw-dayum was I laughing! The Rev looked like he was trying not to. I was reminded of "Seinfeld," the one where Jerry has that hot girlfriend who got gonorrhea from a tractor.

If episodes like this keep up and keep me in stitches, I'll keep forgetting about the Bielster.

CD: Yeah, watching this show spiral out of control definitely keeps my mind off of the lack of Bielster. However, knowing that the Emmy for Sluttiest Costume on a Family Show is going to Ruthie instead of Mary or Lucy is maybe not a good thing.

My main objection to the Camdens this time around was that once again, they're spineless, indecisive, and they lecture each other to death. This week maybe set the record for lectures. So once again, it takes the supporting characters like John the Roommate to come in and get stuff done. Example: after lots of silly debate between Simon and his family about the first amendment and contemporary interpretations of the word "bitch," it takes John to have the heart to heart with him about how women need respect and real men have to give it to them. Other fine moment: John's mini-soliloquy on why gangsta rap shouldn't count as an African-American art form was the finest writing I've seen on this show.

But the prize moment was when punk-ass Norton, on his way to Matt's place for the "war council" with the Camdens, runs into Heather and tries to harass her. Heather - who's deaf, not that big, and always seemed so nice and everything - takes him down and pins his arm up behind his back. Just then Matt and Simon run out, ostensibly to rescue her, and find that she can take care of herself, thanks (and also, has a new boyfriend, which she mercilessly throws in Matt's face). If either Matt or Simon had smacked this guy down in the first scene, none of this episode would have happened. Maybe John and Heather - and our young rocket scientist pal Robbie - should be running this show.