December 18, 2000

CD: So this is totally bizarre. It's Christmastime in Glenoak, California, and people are braving the cold in their lightweight parkas and strolling along the promenade. The Rev has stopped to watch an awful folk singer playing on the street corner, and he's about to walk off when he looks down a convenient nearby alley and sees someone familiar: Robbie Palmer, our favorite wayward scumbag. It turns out that Robbie's getting his education on the streets - literally - his girlfriend kicked him out of her place, so he's homeless and hungry, but he's sitting in an alley doing his homework for college - where he's on the Dean's List. He makes out like there's everything's fine, that he can do okay until he finds a shelter to stay in, but the Rev. feels bad for him ... and so begins a strange new twist in the "what the fuck is this?" saga of the Camden family.

The Rev. tells Robbie he can crash at their place for the night. He brings him home and into the bedroom, where Annie Camden happens to be sprawled on the bed in a negligee that left way too little to the imagination. I was waiting for the Rev to say, "Honey! It's threesome night, and look who I brought home!" Instead, Annie Camden screams, Robbie screams and averts his eyes (along with everyone in the audience), and the Rev. shuffles him off somewhere so he can explain it and make things right with his wife.

The argument - repeated several times that night - goes like this: Annie and the other Camdens think of Robbie as the scumbag who took their daughter to a cheap motel for sex, cheated on her, and almost had to marry some girl who lied about being pregnant. Robbie's got issues. Robbie does not belong in the Camden household.

Let's take a step back and consider how bizarre this is. I can see Robbie hanging out with the Camdens and getting counseling from the Rev. But staying at the Camden's house? I can imagine the possibilities:

Robbie and the Rev.: "Hey, Reverand Camden, if you're having trouble with the collection plate, I know a few guys in collections ..."
Robbie and Annie Camden: "Oh, no, Mrs. Camden, I thought you were maybe like twenty-seven. Hey, can I have more pancakes?"
Robbie and Ruthie: "Ruthie, could you give me a hand with my homework?"
Robbie and Simon: "Listen, Simon, it's okay for little dudes to beat off a lot. That's just something little dudes do."
Robbie and Lucy: ... Y'all at home can work this out for yourselves.

In fact, Lucy finds out about Robbie when she stumbles into the kitchen wearing a sports bra and shorty shorts. This was kind of cool but not as sexy as it was supposed to be. Robbie gives her a good, long look-over and says, "Gee, I'd figure you all wore bathrobes around here."

Robbie gets a good night's sleep, and the next day the Rev. takes him to a shelter. We're treated to a desolate image of dirt and poverty. Robbie's all noble about it, but the Rev. gets one look at how the other half really lives and says, "Screw this. Stay with us for a while. I'll square it with the kids and the wife."

Yeah. Right.

By now it really looks like Robbie is moving in. Yes, he's moving in with the Camdens. They've adopted a scumbag. Granted, a scumbag who's reformed. It's creepy how well Robbie behaves and how often he says the right thing. He has his shining moment at dinner, when he insists on saying grace and bawls over how lucky he's been and how happy he is to have been lifted out of poverty by this great family. Lucy and the Rev. squeak out a couple tears too. It's moving.

Ruthie is actually cool about the whole thing from the get-go. She starts hanging out with Robbie and offering him Matt's pajamas and stuff. I'm waiting for her to get a schoolgirl crush on him. More likely, though, her liking Robbie has to do with the fact that he's the ultimate toy. None of the older siblings listen to Ruthie, but Robbie's indebted to the Camdens, so he has to pay attention to Ruthie and let her boss him around. I think they'll have an interesting dynamic. At the end of the episode she gets both Robbie and Matt to do coloring books with her. Actual quote: "Did you guys see the Lion King? 'Can you feel the love tonight?' C'mon, Doc Camden, give your new brother a hug."

There's some other weird shit to keep us on our toes. Lucy visits her boyfriend Mike's place for the first time. Mike, you remember, tried to kill himself and stayed at a mental hospital for a year. It turns out his mom is even worse off than he is: she sits in a chair and stares at the wall. This is supposed to be shocking and traumatic, except that the hand lotion commercial extra that they get to play his mom keeps moving her eyes and turning her head, and the whole thing is really damn weird. "Mom kind of checked out right after my dad died." I guess so.

Simon spends the whole episode on the phone with some mystery person. "Your hair is so girly," he says into the phone. "Girly, but sexy."

Lucy walks in. "Who are you talking to?"

"Matt."

Just kidding. Turns out Simon hooked up with a hot blonde who drives a BMW. I still don't get that one, but it was a sideplot, so let's leave it alone for now.

By the way, Jessica Biel made one of her contractually-obligated cameos this episode: she calls the house and Robbie answers the phone. She tries to figure out what the hell Robbie is doing at her house and concludes he must be dating Lucy. (No, that's next episode, when Lucy is bending over the sink in her sports bra, toothpaste dripping out of her mouth, and Robbie steps in and says, "I can help you reach those molars" - I hope they put that one on DVD.) There are a couple scenes of her at the house in Buffalo, talking to different Camdens on the phone. My guess is they filmed all of the scenes in one afternoon while the rest of the cast and crew were at a safe distance.

I almost shit myself! John can't do this! We were all counting on him! He was the guy who knew left from right! He was supposed to straighten out the Camden men and protect the Camden women, and all of a sudden, he's proposing to a girl he met three weeks ago? And does that mean she'll keep showing up, or that John's moving out? What the hell is going on?

John's acting stupid, Robbie's on the dean's list, and Lucy and Annie Camden are dressing like sluts - what the hell is happening to this show?