September 24, 2001

BM: Well, it's another year of the feel-good family stylings of "7th Heaven." And before going into another year of dissertation, I must say that it's apparent the WB is cashing in on the appeal of the Biel. Jessica is now a blond sexpot, instead of the repressed Christian chick-jock of years, a portrayal which in the past made the show watchable at times. So, my approach to last night's show started right off with an interest in even more destruction of pseudo-wholesome family entertainment, and less in the question, "What if Mary or Lucy became total sluts?"

Little Ruthie, who isn't so little anymore but is still every bit the annoying shit, lets a whole three minutes go by before she makes her first irritating comment. "Ch-ch-ch-changes," she sings, ruining a decent song forever. And "Changes" is an apt selection for a song; Brenda Hampton obviously exercised her writing chops in the off-season. Let's address the first change, right from the messenger. I'm not certain Ruthie qualifies for "Mocha-Love Child" status anymore - the Michael Jackson skin treatments are definitely over, and this character has been made over for the white middle-class American viewers who were confused as to where the hell she fit into this family. Some readers may not be too familiar with Ruthie back in the day, so let me make it quick ... think "Diff'rent Strokes." Ruthie appears briefly throughout the episode as sort of a fucked-up Alistair Cooke, giving hints as to forthcoming events as well as needless commentary on stuff that just went down. She was actually entertaining at one point, when she gave a massively stressed-out Rev. Camden a quick lecture on how she was on the cutting edge of pre-pubescence. I really hoped that the Rev would bust a gasket right then with that admission, but of course it didn't happen. Maybe it's just as well, because he had to be around the entire show to be stressed out by other assorted events.

Mrs. Camden really turned over a new leaf in this episode and it was most refreshing. Too bad it wasn't a cannabis leaf, because she could have used a binger. It appears to everyone in the family (including the twins, who were evidently worried about losing their "object of affection" status) that Mrs. C. has been knocked up again by the virile Rev. Matt even goes so far as to bring his dad home a pregnancy test - from his exciting new job mopping up placenta at the free clinic - because he too thinks his mom has become a total bitch. It turns out that Annie is going through "the change." It took like two minutes for anyone in the cast to grow the balls to mumble "menopause," once that issue was detected. And to his credit, it's the Rev, who pussyfoots around the issue with nice, family style wording until he comes out with the the big M word.

Mary's back on the show! And blonde! And playing house with Wilson! Actually, I kind of like them as a couple, because he's pretty damned responsible and is good to her. Apparently, she's still living at the Colonel's house in Buffalo, but is always over with Wilson, playing house. She's also taken an interest in Public Service: she wants to be a policewoman, since she KNOWS she looks damned fine with a Glock and a skintight uniform. She ain't sugarcoating it for the male viewing audience, and I like that just fine.

Speaking of which, Lucy's back to having a Moonface, instead of the cleavage-baring, vaguely-slutty look of last year which made Mary's absence bearable. Quite frankly, I didn't give a rat's ass about Lucy this week, and she did nothing except piss and moan about her failed engagement. Last time we saw her, she moved to New York with her sleezy musician fiance. Turns out she broke it off with him and dropped out of school. The Rev. is more than ticked that he pulled strings to get her into Seminary and she ain't biting. It's time for that Man of the Cloth to smack a little sense into her, because it sounds like the nepotism is gonna backfire on Lucy. She DOES happen to introduce a scary incest-like element by cavorting around with ...

Robbie ... I missed a good deal of last year, so it still floors me that this fuckhead is all clean cut and polite now, and living with the Camdens, even after he tried to shtoop Mary in the hourly-rate motel. Maybe the Rev. realized his oldest daughter is smokin' and forgave him, but it's still a retarded plot twist and I condemn Brenda Hampden for writing it in. I enjoyed seeing Robbie this week because he was completely and totally pussified by the Colonel, who told him to "quit crying" and accused him of being a "sissy." Perhaps Peter Graves does still have his marbles, because I was thinking the exact same thing. Anyhoo, Robbie's crying because he's still jonesing for Mary, who just doesn't give a rat's ass about him. So, he cries to Lucy, who herself is also crying about being a failure in love, and the two console each other. This generally causes much confusion in the family, who think the two are boning. In fact, my prediction for this year is that Lucy DOES get knocked up by Robbie, and her pregnancy is fodder for a new storyline.