The Seventh Heaven Journal

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Collected from e-mails back and forth between Chris Dahlen (CD) and Blair McMillen (BM). Though separated as roommates, they keep in touch by wasting their employers' time writing back and forth about Seventh Heaven, a wholesome, G-rated family show about a minister, his wife, and his eight million kids - a show that, in addition to being moral and good for you, is executive produced by Aaron Spelling and features a bunch of hot California teenagers.

Especially Jessica Biel.


October 19

BM: Hey I was watching last night, but I had it on mute. If you did see it, what was the story with Lucy's pretty blond boy? Or Simon's pot-dealing friend? Or Matt's cheating episode? I did notice that Jessica Biel had a herpes sore on her lip, and her friend who was a teen mother, was extraordinarily HOT. I questioned my obsession for a moment there.

CD: I'm out of the loop - I missed it again last night.

Poor Jessica. Herpes is a BITCH.

Matt cheated on the cute girl who looked like she just missed being cast as a freakish popular-girl-who's-really-an-insect-like-monster on Buffy? That rascal.

BM: Actually, he "supposedly" cheated on an exam. His affair with Pat Benatar is intact. Pat, as you may know, is fondly remembered as "Ant-face."


October 27

CD: I had another one of those weird Seventh Heaven epiphanies Monday night. I decided I want like eighty kids and I'm moving 'em all to California, where people are happy and the weather's always pretty good.

Seventh Heaven was cool last night. It was the episode where Ed Bagley and the drunk aunt have a baby. (Didn't they meet like only ten months before that? How did they meet, anyway? "Hey, Ed, this is my alcoholic sister. Hey, alcoholic sister, this is the fuck-up doctor who almost killed our first son." Must be fun for family reunions.) For most of the episode, Ed Bagley and Reverend Camden hang out and go out to dinner, to talk about the fact that the drunk pregnant aunt has raging, uncontrollable hormones that make her impossible to be around. "A midori sour will shut her right the hell up," the Reverend suggests. Meanwhile, when the guys are out having California tofu burgers and mulling over the burdens of fatherhood, the drunk aunt is giving birth right in the Camden's bedroom. So nice.

The drunk aunt had the baby right in the Camden's bed. "Hey, feel free to just write them a check for that blood-and-gore covered mattress," I kept thinking the whole way through the birth.

For the cute, light-hearted side plot, little Ruthie stole some kid's kitten and tried to hide it in her bedroom. The real owner shows up near the end of the episode: the kitten, whose name was Stuart or Lawrence or something, belonged to some little kid who was bawling his eyes out. "Stuart's missing! I miss Stuart!"

There was also a funny scene where the middle daughter goes on a date with a guy who makes her pay and open doors for her. At the end, his parents, who were really, really bad actors, come out and grill him about where he's been all night.

And I don't remember what Jessica Biel was up to. Probably not putting out in the back of a Camero somewhere. Do you think the cast of Seventh Heaven dates amonst themselves? I remember hearing that all the kids on the Brady Bunch dated each other. I can imagine Jessica Biel and Barry Watson in some kind of weird fantasy lovefest, doing it in a church or a graveyard somewhere.

BM: I've been watching 7th with the mute on lately, so I do see what's going on but I don't hear it. What the hell was the deal with the unspeakable horror of Matt Camden's hair-net? I saw that and nearly blew out an o-ring.

Those kids need jobs at Hooters or a bar or something. I have a feeling Simon will soon be making "deliveries" for Tony the Sicilian, the shady guy who makes change in the collection plate every Sunday. Now that's a good-paying job.