The Seventh Heaven Journal

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February 7, 2000

BM: Here we go again... I must say, tonight's episode of 7th was hyped up as the next "Very Special Episode of Blossom." Frankly, the only two Very Special Episodes of that show , that I can recall, were 1) The final episode, 'cos I was dancing happily, and 2) the one where Blossom's "home video" with the horse got emailed around, and she got the nickname "Catherine the Great."

Tonight's 7th was all about "Name calling- we ALL get hurt." And true to the tag line, the whole friggin' thing was about name calling, except for Matt's plotline, which I've chosen to disseminate first. The only name calling there was me yelling at the TV, commenting on trashy Shauna's new hairdo. There was more feathering going on there than one of Liza Minelli's boas. For a split second, I thought Leif Garrett had kicked his hip heroin n' crack addiction (currently his gravy train, just watch the VH1 specials) and had made a triumphant return to crappy tv acting. Not so. Matt is still struggling with the long distance relationship, and it's obvious to everyone, especially Mom. She was full of zingers when she was comforting her oldest son. It's completely evident that the writers had been on speed and Chinese food when they penned her lines in an all night script-a-thon. When Matt is grilled about what his problem is, he looks at the floor, and Mom quips "Was it Nietzsche who said, 'Liar, liar, pants on fire?' " Hello? Mrs. Camden? Umm, the REV is the one who went to seminary, not you, an esteemed alumnus of Billy's Community College for Knocked-Up Christian Housewives. Don't ruin philosophy for the rest of us.

Matt spills the beans, revealing exactly what a wimpus he is about dealing with Shauna. No doubt she is NYC, selling herself and her foppish look for textbook money. We all know she doesn't have the time to be wasting on Matt, and perhaps he knows this most of all. "Sometimes, the best things for us are the hardest to work on," advises Mrs. C. "Thanks, Mom, I just came over for a sandwich," replies Matt. "In my kitchen, every sandwich is served with a side lecture!" retorts Mom (no lie), with a leer. Or maybe it's a wicked facial tic, which will tie in later in the column.

Later, Matt reveals to Shauna that he's lonely and misses her and has been dodging her phone calls because he's a big fluffy pussy. "I feel sorry for you, being stuck alone in Glenoak," that dumbass Shauna states. Duh! Way to break your last tenuous hold on your boyfriend, Trailer-Queen. Anyhoo, the kids start to patch up their long-distance joke, and in YET ANOTHER SCENE LIFTED FROM "SWINGERS" (see last week) she says "I love you!" right as Matt is saying "Yeah, yeah, goodbye" and hangs up. Classic, when the viewer finds out that Matt's former deaf girlfriend has come over to hang out. Are we looking at a rehash of William Hurt and Marlee Matlin's fling? You better believe I'm staying tuned. The deaf girl is so much better than Shauna. Her and Matt are probably a better match now since he has been drowning out Shauna's recaps of "the Ricki Lake Show" for months now and is probably a little hard of hearing himself.

For a refreshing change, the little mocha-colored love child (who must be going to Michael Jackson's doctor or using different lighting lately) does NOT try to finagle bucks from any of her family members. Instead, she reveals to Lucy that her teacher called her "stupid" and begs her not to tell Mom. For the new viewer, telling Lucy anything secret is the equivalent of taking a bullhorn to Roxbury and yelling racial slurs- it's just not a good idea. Lucy, not surprisingly, spills the beans to Mom, and Ruthie catches her and is certifiably pissed. But more important is the fact that Mom takes matters into her own hands and goes in to see the spooky second grade teacher, Mrs. Krubopple. "Bitch! I heard you's been callin' my child stupid! Dat's my job!" yells Mom to the truly creepy teacher. "No, I told Ruthie her ANSWER was stupid," calmly replies the teacher. "Well, to an 8 year old, that's the same thing, they're not rocket scientists, you know," says Mom, getting steamed. "well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it now?" says the teach. Mrs. Camden is all bobbing and weaving and yells, "Bitch! You be callin' ME stupid now? I mo smack yo aayyy-asss!" That's how I wish the conversation went, but you get the idea. The teacher has called Ruthie and her mom stupid, and Ruthie reveals that other kids have been insulted too. Mom immediately gathers up a strike force of pissed-off parents (funny how quickly people can mobilize when there is a walk-on involved) and they bum-rush the classroom at the end of the show, leaving the fate of the teacher undetermined.

Simon and his moustache are playing basketball against Mary (lucky bastard) and he makes some crack at her about her fat ass. "Get off me, big-butt!" is the comment, I think. This freaks Mary out, and she gives her little bro the silent treatment. Lucy walks into their bedroom and catches Mary bent over, looking at her bum in the mirror. This reminds me of an old joke about a tapeworm and M & M's, but I'll refrain from telling it here. "What's the big deal?" says Lucy. "What's the big deal? My butt!" says Mary, freaked out that her hoodlum, Robby, hasn't called her solely because of the size of her posterior.

The next day, at school, Mary and her hot, popular friends are hanging out in the halls, when the lead singer of the Screaming Trees enters the scene and opens a nearby locker. OK, it's actually some frumpy Seattleite redhead, but that doesn't stop the hotties from busting on her getup, calling her a "farmer" and making fun of her flannel. This treatment sickens our big-butted beauty, Mary, and she attempts to make friends with the girl. The girl has none of it, thinking that Mary is only in it to play a joke and be mean. Later, Mary proves that she really is a Christian by dissing her hottie friends when they start talking smack about the farmer.

The big plot line involved a kid about Simons' age, Bobby, and his parents, who were new to the church. The Rev is doing yet another dimestore sermon, and all of a sudden the kid starts parroting him. "Teach us! Teach us! " "Good morning! Good morning!" the kids caws. "Tourettes," everyone is thinking as the family hauls ass outta church to avoid