The Seventh Heaven Journal

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December 7

BM: Last night was a double shot...of which I only watched the first hour.

The first episode I missed about 15 minutes of. What I did see went as follows:

Jessica Biel...resplendent (yes, I can use 50 cent words) in a red, skin-tight top. I have come to the realization that she has a very deep voice. If it ain't sayin' "Come hither, Big Daddy!" then I don't need to hear it. She basically hung out with Lucy the whole time, and the two of them were pressing Ugly Ed Begley to get Matt a job at the hospital. "He's not a doctor or a nurse," they conspired (NO SHIT! These two are Rhodes Scholars on the same level as Bill Clinton), "and he's not a candy striper," they pontificated (although personally I'd love to see Jessica Biel come into my hospital room looking like a peppermint, ready to give me a sponge bath) "but Uncle Ed Begley can find him something!" With that proclamation, the two high five and head into their room to smoke Tampax, about the only mind altering substance in the Camden household (aside from the cute Mickey Mouse stamps in Ruthie's drawer that she licks before one of Daddy's Sunday Sermons).

Uncle Ed's "Big Contribution to Matt's Future in the Medical Industry" was to get him a job in the hospital cafteria. No doubt this bold career movie involves Matt modeling the latest in hairnets to cover his pretty, currently hip hairdo, as well as putting the floating slices of mandarin orange in the jello. Christ- I was under the impression that the cornerstone of nepotism was NOT to get your relative in question a crappy, thankless job. Way to go, Dr. Uncle Ed Begley- you marry a vapid blond lush, knock her up, and apparently your obligation to your new in-laws is merely to flip the burgers at the family get-togethers, not absolve yourself from the big mistake of almost poking out one of your patient's children with your forceps during childbirth in a Mimosa-induced hangover. As we both know, Matt was delivered by who is now his own uncle...suddenly his choice to accept the cafeteria job is clear as he scratches the forcep marks on his head and drools, while giggling happily to himself as brain- damaged children often do.

A more believable plot twist would have been for Matt to work alongside Dr. Ed in the hospital, performing breast augmentations on hopeful C-Grade porn stars.

Reverend Camden had a heart attack, albeit a mild one. The stress was brought on by his parents being around, and finding out that their lush daughter had a bun in the oven and had gone on one of those "Gamble With Greyhound Tours and get a Free Wedding" package deal trips.

Ruthie was yet another pointless waste of air-time. When not trying to teach Happy to foam at the mouth, she was letting the cat out of the bag to her grandparents about her aunt being knocked up.

The Grandparents were on this one. They had their "adopted" son George around, no doubt a convenient tax write off for them. The most touching portion of the show (aside from the camera goof that showed Simon scratching his butt) was when the old dup was talking to their adopted son, and he expressed concern over their being so old. This was in fact the most believable point of the episode, as I too expected them to keel over when the director yelled "CUT!"...Peter Graves, who plays "The Colonel," isn't exactly doing his own stunts anymore. Anyway, the old ones respond to George's concern by saying "But you keep us young! We're delighted to be involved in your young life!" I guess when they start peeling used condoms off the ceiling and sniffing the bongwater in his closet, they'll realize that raising an adopted teenager isn't quite like investing in a stock. This one is a no-winner.

That's pretty much the season premiere repeat in a nutshell. Laughable, as always.

CD: Rev. Camden's recovery from the heart attack took all of about three weeks. It reminded me of Homicide, when Andre Braugher's character had a stroke. That also didn't last too long - he recovered real quick when the producers found out that everyone was sick of hearing tough-ass cop Pembleton go on about how he had to have his wife wipe his ass for him.


December 13

CD: I saw Ed Bagley on The Practice last night. He played a Medical Examiner who was considered unreliable because he used to beat off around cute dead bodies. I'd like to see a crossover episode around that.

BM: Are you serious? Ed used to beat his chief of staff? Around dead bodies? I always knew he was the legit freak on St. Elsewhere.

CD: What is it with Ed Bagley and the medical roles? Do you have to get a degree in medical acting? "I need the CBC's in my anal cavity STAT!" Actors should just learn one big, hard-to-remember word and apply it to everything. "You have a hemotosis of the hemotosis. I'm afraid I'll have to perform a hemotosisectomy."

BM: I think it was Ed Begley, Jr who was playing "doctor" with Richard Gere and administered the "Rodent Anesthesia" during the infamous Gerbil Episode that has been trailing Richard wherever he goes


December 14

BM: I didn't watch 7th last night. And it was a very special episode where Jessica B's new guy (the criminal) dumps her like Fox dumping the Chevy Chase show.

CD: Poor Jessica Biel. Where is she going to find love now ... ?

BM: Well, it won't be at church, I'lll tel you that.

You know, for a family that frowns on sex, her parents sure do have a lot of it. With each other AND the mailman (mocha love child, prime example) In all honesty, I'm willing to bet up to and including 25 cents that Simon will be the first Camden to knock boots, with Lucy a close second. If I was guest starring, I'd put Mary WAAAAAAAAY out in the lead, but I'm not, so Simon is my pick.

CD: Yeah. They can't mess with the girls' virginal status and purity, but one of the kids has to "get in trouble" sometime. I can imagine him (naturally with Ruthie in tow) hitting all the drug stores in town looking for one that'll sell him condoms.

BM: It's scary how the two of them can't be apart. At least Simon's zipper is always up.

In all seriousness, remember when Simon was caught making out with his cute (in a waaaaayy too f'ing young for me sort of way) jr. high girlfriend? I bet that was totally a teaser, and an indicator of things to come.

1) Her parents are going to go out of town, 2) Simon is going to come up with some lie to tell his parents about going to that lame-ass place to play pool, 3) will pay off Ruthie to uphold the lie, and 4) go over to the young nubile babe's house and make the old "uh oh....I think it broke!" comment- with the corresponding classic look or surprise- 5 seconds into the act. It's a time -tested and true plot twist.

Speaking of that lame-ass place where they all play pool, why don't those kids do something interesting? Like smoke crack or work on their bicycles or play mailbox baseball? And when Matt goes over to Shawna's house, do they really do more than jigsaw puzzles, crosswords, or, on a particularly randy evening, watch 20 / 20?

Ahhh, Shawna...few names evoke images of rusted Camaros on cinderblocks, trailer homes with duct taped screen doors, careers at the Hot n Now, or tornados, more than the name Shawna.