The Seventh Heaven Journal

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November 17

BM: Did you watch 7th on Monday? What did Mary do to get her in trouble?

CD: Yeah, I forgot to tell you about it! It was craziness. Mary and some other ho's from the basketball team had some "walk-out" for some reason, and as part of the protest, they trashed the high school gym. There was paper and graffiti everywhere. The kids did not get expelled but they all faced going to trial and possibly ending up in jail. I think that's a little extreme, but you should've seen the look on Mary's face when the friend-of-the-family lawyer brought that up as a possibility. Jessica Biel ... forbidden love in Cell Block H ... drool. Anyway: her dad called in some favors and got her into this program for kids who are sort of bad but could be turned around. It's an alternative to going to jail. Why the daughter of a minister should get into this special program when there are all kinds of borderline kids in trouble who don't even have dads, I don't get - but the Camdens didn't trouble themselves too much with that. Jessica now has to report to a hellbitch supervisor who makes sure she does her homework and keeps her nose clean.

Oh, Jessica also lost her college scholarship.

All because they trashed the gym. Is there no room for school pranks in today's society?

Anyway, there was a moving trial in student court where it was decided that they would all get a second chance. Lucy is part of student court and made a moving statement on why they were all a bunch of vandalizing ho's but shouldn't get kicked out of school. I thought in the real world when you get expelled you just go to the principal's office and he tells you to get the fuck off campus. But who knew.

On a lighter note, the little kiss ass brother and the mocha-colored love child felt guilty for not snitching on Mary when they heard she was about to go off and do something really bad. So they went around to a Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk, asking about forgiveness in their different religions. "This place sure is beautiful!" Ruthie said when they were in the temple. "I wish I'd brought my camera!"

So nice.

BM: I saw the part where Jessica comes down, reports that she lost her scholarship, "in light of recent events" , turned tail, and marched back upstairs. I'd give her the Honor of the Purple Polished Helmet Scholarship. Has Matt Camden shtooped that little flabby chested Irish Lass yet? Or is he being a Proud, Morally Secure Christian? That's a "Very Special Episode of 7th Heaven" right there...Matt and his strumpet do it, make a video of the session, and the mocha love child gets ahold of the tape and shows it to the Ladie's Auxiliary Group of the church. Classic. Aaron Spelling would be laying Duncan Hines brownies in his Depends if he got ahold of that script idea- it's guaranteed ratings!


November 30

BM: You got a 7th update for me, mojumbo? I did get an opportunity to see Simon with his ass-clown hairdo and chicano moustache. Christ on his Throne.

CD: Last night was "a very special episode." Simon fell in with the artsy crowd that was working on the middle school wall mural. They kept snickering about some secret thing they were doing, which Simon didn't understand until one day he finds them (out in the middle of the school hallway where anyone could walk by) standing around with paper bags on their faces. Turns out they're into "huffing," a trendy new form of underage drug abuse where you spray spraypaint into a bag and then hold it to your face to inhale the fumes. It makes you feel like you're "walking on clouds." Simon doesn't give it a try, but one of his pals ends up in the hospital with liver and brain damage, and there are some heartwrenching scenes.

Huffing is apparently a big nationwide problem.

Jessica Biel started doing community service and met a cute guy. "Robby Palmer. Robby Palmer, Robby Palmer, Robby Palmer." The cute guy went to talk to her parents without her knowing, to introduce himself and let them know he's an okay guy. Apparently he's doing time because he got in a car with some drunk guys and they almost hit somebody - but he didn't have anything to drink - yeah, right. The guy reeked "white slavery." He goes to a school "on the other side of town." The parents, taking advantage of the inexplicable influence they have over every political and religious organization in town, got Robby transferred to another work detail so that Jessica would quit frolicking around during her work hours. (Sample frolick: they're cleaning up a park, and Robby comes over with a bunch of weeds tied up in "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape. Like a bouquet. Get it?)

I've noticed that, especially in the last fifteen minutes of each show, they do a see-saw morality thing where they pair up the characters, with one character being retarded and immoral and the other character being self-righteous and lecturing him/her about how they should know better. This week, the younger sister steered the older sister in the right direction. Other weeks, it's the other way around. There's a lot of talking. I can't tape Seventh Heaven because if I watch it later, I start fast forwarding and I realize there's no reason to stop and watch any of it. It's just two people talking to each other, and one of them's a dumbass.

Other big development: Shana, Matt's true love, is tranferring to NYU for premed. "It's the big one! The big apple!" Shana apparently is going to leave the cast for "Time of Your Life," where she'll rage through NY with Jennifer Love Boobie. Well, that's just a theory. Anyway, Matt sulked around a lot.

BM: I still want to do unspeakables to Jessica... "Jessica Biel, I wanna make you squeeeeeaaaaallllll!"

Well, I would if given the opportunity.